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Comical Quotes:
(Thoughts / Sayings / Poems / Ideas / Events)
To lighten up life and improve perspectives.
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FUNNY STUFF - Disorder in the Court
(4/23/06)
Statements from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And! in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was his a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? !
WITNESS: Huh?
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And the best for last...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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The importance of proper punctuation, spelling and phrasing:
(1/26/04)
If you don’t / didn't pay close attention in your English classes, you may end up saying something other than what you intend, and sometimes the result can be scandalous, or embarrassing, or just funny as all get out. The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks produce the following? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from The church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music Will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ladies, Ladies The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Choir Practice next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will Sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use? The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Watch Out for Those Potlucks Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
HOW Much Money Should I Give? The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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Men are like a fine wine -
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the stuffing out of them, work them over, and then just keep them on a string until they figure out the right direction (to take their lives, how to behave, etc.) and turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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What you don't want to say to a Cop:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary you know!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
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Age is a funny thing.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm 4 and a half." You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you ?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony - you BECOME 21. YES ! ! ! But then you turn 30. Oooooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50. . . my dreams are gone . . . You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60 . . . Whew! I didn't think I'd make it. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . . Into the 90's , you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half! Age is a funny thing.
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Potion changing Men into Women
Scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis, that found the presence of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men.
It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85, you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.
THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
THE RESULT: 100% of the men:
- Gained weight
- Talked excessively without making sense
- Became overly emotional
- Couldn't drive
- Failed to think rationally
- Argued over nothing
- Had to sit down while urinating
- Refused to apologize when wrong
NOTE: No further testing is planned
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Dogs' letters to God:
Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but hardly ever smell each
other?
Where are their priorities?
Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God:
If a dog barks all night in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle from across the street!
Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it that thing with the carpets again?
Dear God:
Can you undo what that veterinarian did to me?!?
Cat's letter to God:
Dear God:
Do you exist? Just curious. I don't really care.
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Reference Note: If you would like to find additional inspiration, or learn more about how to handle difficult experiences, bring greater peace and happiness and fulfillment into the lives of those you care about and yourself, then you can Click Here or call: 800-720-9400 (for Free Video and/or books) or
contact us.
Many self help, motivational organizations and/or psychologists, etc. charge considerable fees for similar guidance and help, but you can get all the direction & help you need for any concern from the source of everything (good) at no charge.
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